I grew up in a polygamous home with an absent father who was hardly ever available to guide me through my formative years.
I had to beg repeatedly just to get my school fees paid, and even then, it was usually in fragments. Many times, I was sent out of high school because of unpaid tuition.
Whenever school resumed, my father would casually ask if students had started being sent home for fees. If I said no, he would pay for my siblings instead. When the school finally began sending students out, I was among those driven from class because he refused to pay for me.
He lived in Ado with his other wife, while we lived with our mother in Ikere. I remember a day my mum took me to his house to plead for my fees. Instead of helping, he insulted her bitterly and warned that if she ever returned to his house, he would call the police. My mother cried all the way back home that day.
How Rejection Shaped My Identity
Little by little, my personality became distorted. My self-esteem was crushed, and I carried a deep inferiority complex. I grew up believing that acceptance only came through begging.
It was so bad that I couldn’t even approach a woman on my own. My first girlfriend came into my life only because a friend spoke to her on my behalf.
For a long time, I didn’t even recognize these experiences as trauma. I thought they were simply battles to pray about daily, not realizing that the root issue wasn’t demonic but psychological. What I truly needed was healing, confidence, and the courage to release the trauma buried in my subconscious mind over the years.
Called by God, Yet Struggling Within
My mum was deeply religious, and so I became very religious too. Yet even when I received the call to ministry, I had no confidence in myself. God told me clearly that I was called to be a prophet to nations, but my poor self-esteem made it hard to believe Him.
I never truly believed in myself, never valued my giftings, and never really loved who I was. I often placed myself at risk for others but rarely did anything to build myself or my ministry. At one point, I even set aside my ministry just to fight spiritual battles for people who repeatedly showed me that they placed no value on me.
Deep down, I knew I was more gifted and intelligent than many of the so-called preachers and prophets I saw on TV, yet I could not understand why my life was the way it was. I prayed. I fasted. Still, I struggled.
Depression, Silence, and the Breaking Point
Depression set in. Suicidal thoughts followed. I was broken, discouraged, and weighed down by life.
Ironically, even in those dark moments, people came to me for prayers. When I prayed for them, answers came quickly. But when I needed support, no one was there. I could hear God clearly for others, yet struggled to hear Him for myself.
There came a time I felt God didn’t love me. I remember praying, “Lord, why are You deceiving me? What have I done wrong? Show me my sins so I can repent!” Yet, I received no response.
When God Began to Heal Me From Within
Then, gradually, the Lord began to show me myself.
Through social media connections and in-person encounters, I sought confirmation of the visions and revelations I had received. To my surprise, everything people told me aligned exactly with what God had already said. It became clear that the real problem was not God’s silence, but my lack of confidence in myself.
I had placed everyone else above me while neglecting my own growth. That was when the Lord began to heal me.
He showed me that I first needed to believe in myself. I had to build strong confidence in my calling, my giftings, and trust Him to help me along the way.
The Real Battle: Internal, Not External
I asked myself, “Why should I be this gifted and intelligent, yet still remain broke and insecure?”
It became clear that my greatest struggle was not external but internal. My real battle was with inferiority complex and poor self-esteem.
Many people continue praying over the same problems for years because, in reality, those problems are not entirely spiritual. Often, they are rooted in identity, mindset, and how we see ourselves.
Sometimes, your issue is not external but internal. You must first work on yourself.
Letting Go and Embracing True Worth
Fight off the fear of abandonment.
Let go of the desperate need to be loved by everyone.
The truth is, most people don’t genuinely care about you; they are simply concerned with how useful you are to them. And once they feel you’re no longer useful, they discard you without hesitation.
But in God’s eyes, your worth is not tied to usefulness. It is tied to who you are in Him. And that realization is the beginning of true healing.
